30 and counting...

"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.(Charlie Brown)"
- Charles Schulz

This morning I awakened at the sound of a Billboard Top 20 R&B Song playing on Hot107.7. I often wondered what it would be like to be a third watch radio disc jockey, you know the kind that get to use their pillow voices to announce the name of the artist and song they're about to play or just played. Would I even want to be up that late working? Who would be listening with the majority of the world fast asleep, well into their second dream in REM? I sleepily reached over to the singing black box and gently press the rectangle grey button in the middle. Silence. I listen for any movement downstairs, any indication of disturbing the slumber of my loved ones but nothing but silence greeted me.

I murmured prayers of thanksgiving for a new day, another birthday, keeping me safe through the night. Ever since my friend slipped into eternity in her sleep I am more cognizant of just how blessed I am to have opened my eyes again.

Charlie Brown had it right about the answers not being in the back. I often pray for the answers up front, before I even begin, in hopes of avoiding being wrong. Lately I've considered if life is one big test that we're studying to pass only they never end. After you pass one, there's another, and another, and still another. At 30, I've passed my fair share and failed a few too. Some days I sure wish I had the answer key.

Today is my 30th birthday. As I drove home from class tonight, I was disappointed, crying, humiliated. I didn't make my usual call during my commute home, instead speaking aloud my thoughts to the Creator in silence, vacillating between questioning and encouraging, despair and hope, tears and laughter. Closer to home my love phoned me. Considering the late hour I'm sure he was waiting to hear news of the days events. All I can say is "baby you the best... baby you the best..."

When I entered my home, my sister was standing in the hallway, laughing uncontrollably at herself as she pressed her goggles deep into her eye sockets, causing her eyes to bulge. The gesture tickled her. She followed me upstairs informing me of the days events and that there was a gift for me. When she saw my tears and heard the story, she immediately wrapped her slender arms around me, reassuring me that I did my best, and that it was going to be OK. My tears multiplied as the love a 12 year old engulfed my heart and gave my spirit a place to release. She is my sunshine. My mother, although entertaining a conversation on the phone, hugged me and rubbed my back. The power of the human touch is indescribable.

I'm 30. I have no complaints about my life thus far. At one point in my life, I thought I had justification for being mad at the world, being aloof, being numb. Thankfully the Creator could reach the core of me, restoring, and reminding my soul of its need to be involved with Creation. The goods far outweigh the bad. My life has been overshadowed with favor, grace, mercy, love, and protection. I simply could not ask for a better life.

I stand today a beautiful connected being: inside and out. So although I don't have all the answers, sitting here winding down my 30th birthday, and perhaps sometimes the messages I hear sound like Charlie Brown's mom (waah waah waah), I can rest in the fact that I am accepted and loved just as I am, just where I am. And in the words of Amy Grant...“I can look at the future with anticipation. And it's comforting to know that someday, as Christians, we'll be able to look back and have a little more clarity on why certain things in life happened.”

When in doubt, find something to laugh at. Tonight, it has made all the difference. And today, today was filled with messages of love from friends, family, and strangers. All reminders of the Creator's love for me. To all my lovies, thank you for your well wishes on facebook, voicemail, LinkedIn and text message. You all enrich my life. I'm a wealthy woman because of you.

Jeremiah 29:11

2 Days to 30

Speak the truth in love. Open rebuke is better than hidden love. Love your neighbor as yourself. Today the Creator used me to bring a message of hope and encouragement to a friend. It was so affirming to me and reminded me of the message Sis. Dee Edwards brought to our Youth on Sunday "I am Still the One God wants to Use."

I love the way the creator never ceases to meet us just where we are in ways that are instructive but not demanding, rebuking but not condemning, exposing but not without protection and covering. In our brokenness he is available to mend us back to wholeness if we are daring enough, courageous enough to step past our pain and fear and guilt and really be transparent and imperfect. He accepts us as we are and loves us just the same nudging us to be better through his words of love.

3 Days To 30

Tonight I studied while listening and half watching the BET Awards. I was thrilled to see the Michael Jackson tribute tonight and even more thrilled to see that the person I feel would best embody that performance was the person they choose: Chris Brown. I've found myself missing him from the music scene. Odd to me being that I was not a fanatic Chris Brown fan. I am fond of him because he's from Virginia, my mothers home state, and could dance and sing his rump off. Saddened by the events that transpired in his life, I am glad that tonight, he embodied what a true tribute to a late legendary influence invokes- utter humility and deep sadness. Maybe its just where I am today, in a place of reflection, but honoring someone as phenomenal and transcending as Michael Jackson should be more than just a cutesy performance, it should be gut wrenching and we should all feel the emotion of the performance, like we did tonight.

This weekend I was witness to the creative brilliance of letting people do what it is they love to do, unencumbered and with the support of just a few people saying "Do your thing." I got text messages from friends on vacation at the beach, refreshing their souls and spirits in the breezes of salty water vapors, in spite of what the evening news says about the devastation washing up on our vacation getaways.

I saw myself Saturday, saw that I need more practice delegating responsibilities, more practice at taking care of what's more important to me at the present. More practice of taking care of me. But luckily, I have help to remind me to do that when I allow my desire to be everything and do everything for others gets in the way of what I should do for myself. I love these people. Tonight I'm grateful for the people who care for me.

Day 2:Crash Course in Finance- Simple Pleasures

Wednesday, June 02, 2010, 7:26 pm
Day 2 of a 21 day course in Corporate Finance:

I consider myself very special when today I parked in the business lot at UAB, with about 15 minutes to spare before class, just turning on the radio and my current favorite song is just beginning, today its “Window Seat” by Erykah Badu.

I roll down my windows, let the breezy cool air flow through my vehicle as I stare at the ominous clouds that indicate heavy rain is just around the corner.

I just spent the last hour playing around with my financial calculator learning how to punch in the right numbers to get future and present values to money and I’m feeling pretty confident about my grasp on those problems, at least the easy ones.

I thoroughly enjoyed the Waffle House atmosphere for studying and I’m glad I forewent the Surin West crowd in favor of a waffle, scrambled eggs, hash browns, and hot tea for my dinner. The booth provided just enough space for me to stretch out with my class lecture notes, my book, my calculator, and with only about 4 other people in the small restaurant that shares an adjacent wall with a hotel, it was quiet enough that I could really concentrate with just enough white noise to make it cozy and not an uncomfortable silence. This waffle house is kind of nestled on the edge of the uab campus, and on any given night about 2 am it would be packed with hungry clubbers looking for a cheap midnight meal. But today, on a Wednesday night, only regulars come, a church member stopping by to say hello to the cook on their way to bible study.

Now off to class...