Monday, November 8, 2010

Can't Sleep

So it's 3:01 am and I'm up, and not just your sleepy eyed in and out of sleep up where you can roll over and resume the REM sleep. I'm talking about the kind of up where the sun is at 12 o' clock and you should be awake up. This is the third night in the last three weeks that I have been awakened during sleeping hours. The first two nights I managed to lay here long enough to slip back into sleep. But tonight, I was awakened twice, once a little after midnight then again a little after 1.

My upbringing taught me that being awakened in the night should direct me to prayer and reading the Bible and listening to hear a word. When Samuel was a young boy in the care of the prophet Eli, he heard his name called several times during the night. Each time he ran to the old Eli thinking it was him. When Eli realized what was going on, he instructed Samuel to answer "here I am Lord" the next time he heard his name called. It changed Samuel's life forever.

I have drifted from my first love; it has been subtle and slow veering from what I know to be right for me. This morning is an attempt to get my attention, a confirmation to the message and tug. I have a trust issue that needs some work. A focus that needs realignment. A heart that needs reshaping. A mind that needs renewing.

So here I am Lord. Speak, I'm listening.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An Unexpected Sistertalk about Sisterhood

This evening when I got to my house, I brought in the grocery from my afterwork Wal-mart stop and placed the items in their places. Retrieving the salad from the refridgerator, I fixed myself a healthy portion of the leftover salad and added more flavor with small strips of chicken breast from the still hot rotisserie chicken I'd picked up on the way home. I settled at my dining room table with a Capri Sun as my drink of choice for an early dinner before engaging in my evening activities.

My sister, visiting for the summmer from VA, plopped down in the seat across from me, watching as I repeatedly lifted the fork from my bowl to my mouth. Between succulent bites she asked me different questions, inquisitive about certain things she'd seen around the house. At some point she looked up at me sheepishly and hesitantly asked "What does Delta do?"

Although interested in her previous questions, this one had my attention, especially considering the fresh appreciation I held for the topic she inquired about. I know what she's heard from a close loved one about the organization and I knew she already had a picture, albeit muddy and somewhat negative, of who Delta is. So this was my chance to share with her something that I have come to cherish and to dispel the previous messages she's heard. A chance to share first hand information as fodder for her to form her own thoughts about it.

Being a history buff (she was just now telling me about napalm, something that WWII soldiers used- yes she also talked about Agent Orange) I began my talk with saying "Delta does community service."

Her immediate next question was "Oh, like the Eastern Stars?"

To which I replied "Both organizations do community service, but they are different."

I explained to her that the first act of these 22 forward thinking women was to march in the Womens Suffrage March in Washington, DC.

"Oh yeah, like with Susan B Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton..." she inquired, indicating she had read about them in her text book.

"Yes," I said.

"Oh, they didn't say anything about the black women who marched."

Pregnant pause then I replied "Yes, that's how some of these text books are written. But they were there..."

Then I went into all the programs I could remember that Delta does in the communities nationally. I also told her about the school Delta established in Africa. I explained that Delta women are interested in leaving the world a better place than they inherited for the entire community but especially as it relates to the African American woman.

After hearing all this, she commented "Not to be mean or disrespectful or anything, but do they do anything for the other races?"

Stunned at the depth of her understanding of what I just mentioned, I told her yes, that Delta serves the community and the community involves all races. I mentioned to her the different nationalities that are represented in the Delta sisterhood. I told her my story of recently meeting a white Delta sister at UAB's Spring 2010 commencement. We then called out the names of the family members who are Deltas and I told her about the Deltas who were my mentors in college.

She was smiling by the end of our conversation. "I like that... Aren't you proud to be apart of that organization?"

I smiled back, "Yes, yes I am."

She replied, nodding her head yes "I'm proud for you. I'm glad I asked."

With a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart for my talk with my brilliant little sister, I replied, "so am I."

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

30 and counting...

"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.(Charlie Brown)"
- Charles Schulz

This morning I awakened at the sound of a Billboard Top 20 R&B Song playing on Hot107.7. I often wondered what it would be like to be a third watch radio disc jockey, you know the kind that get to use their pillow voices to announce the name of the artist and song they're about to play or just played. Would I even want to be up that late working? Who would be listening with the majority of the world fast asleep, well into their second dream in REM? I sleepily reached over to the singing black box and gently press the rectangle grey button in the middle. Silence. I listen for any movement downstairs, any indication of disturbing the slumber of my loved ones but nothing but silence greeted me.

I murmured prayers of thanksgiving for a new day, another birthday, keeping me safe through the night. Ever since my friend slipped into eternity in her sleep I am more cognizant of just how blessed I am to have opened my eyes again.

Charlie Brown had it right about the answers not being in the back. I often pray for the answers up front, before I even begin, in hopes of avoiding being wrong. Lately I've considered if life is one big test that we're studying to pass only they never end. After you pass one, there's another, and another, and still another. At 30, I've passed my fair share and failed a few too. Some days I sure wish I had the answer key.

Today is my 30th birthday. As I drove home from class tonight, I was disappointed, crying, humiliated. I didn't make my usual call during my commute home, instead speaking aloud my thoughts to the Creator in silence, vacillating between questioning and encouraging, despair and hope, tears and laughter. Closer to home my love phoned me. Considering the late hour I'm sure he was waiting to hear news of the days events. All I can say is "baby you the best... baby you the best..."

When I entered my home, my sister was standing in the hallway, laughing uncontrollably at herself as she pressed her goggles deep into her eye sockets, causing her eyes to bulge. The gesture tickled her. She followed me upstairs informing me of the days events and that there was a gift for me. When she saw my tears and heard the story, she immediately wrapped her slender arms around me, reassuring me that I did my best, and that it was going to be OK. My tears multiplied as the love a 12 year old engulfed my heart and gave my spirit a place to release. She is my sunshine. My mother, although entertaining a conversation on the phone, hugged me and rubbed my back. The power of the human touch is indescribable.

I'm 30. I have no complaints about my life thus far. At one point in my life, I thought I had justification for being mad at the world, being aloof, being numb. Thankfully the Creator could reach the core of me, restoring, and reminding my soul of its need to be involved with Creation. The goods far outweigh the bad. My life has been overshadowed with favor, grace, mercy, love, and protection. I simply could not ask for a better life.

I stand today a beautiful connected being: inside and out. So although I don't have all the answers, sitting here winding down my 30th birthday, and perhaps sometimes the messages I hear sound like Charlie Brown's mom (waah waah waah), I can rest in the fact that I am accepted and loved just as I am, just where I am. And in the words of Amy Grant...“I can look at the future with anticipation. And it's comforting to know that someday, as Christians, we'll be able to look back and have a little more clarity on why certain things in life happened.”

When in doubt, find something to laugh at. Tonight, it has made all the difference. And today, today was filled with messages of love from friends, family, and strangers. All reminders of the Creator's love for me. To all my lovies, thank you for your well wishes on facebook, voicemail, LinkedIn and text message. You all enrich my life. I'm a wealthy woman because of you.

Jeremiah 29:11

Monday, June 28, 2010

2 Days to 30

Speak the truth in love. Open rebuke is better than hidden love. Love your neighbor as yourself. Today the Creator used me to bring a message of hope and encouragement to a friend. It was so affirming to me and reminded me of the message Sis. Dee Edwards brought to our Youth on Sunday "I am Still the One God wants to Use."

I love the way the creator never ceases to meet us just where we are in ways that are instructive but not demanding, rebuking but not condemning, exposing but not without protection and covering. In our brokenness he is available to mend us back to wholeness if we are daring enough, courageous enough to step past our pain and fear and guilt and really be transparent and imperfect. He accepts us as we are and loves us just the same nudging us to be better through his words of love.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

3 Days To 30

Tonight I studied while listening and half watching the BET Awards. I was thrilled to see the Michael Jackson tribute tonight and even more thrilled to see that the person I feel would best embody that performance was the person they choose: Chris Brown. I've found myself missing him from the music scene. Odd to me being that I was not a fanatic Chris Brown fan. I am fond of him because he's from Virginia, my mothers home state, and could dance and sing his rump off. Saddened by the events that transpired in his life, I am glad that tonight, he embodied what a true tribute to a late legendary influence invokes- utter humility and deep sadness. Maybe its just where I am today, in a place of reflection, but honoring someone as phenomenal and transcending as Michael Jackson should be more than just a cutesy performance, it should be gut wrenching and we should all feel the emotion of the performance, like we did tonight.

This weekend I was witness to the creative brilliance of letting people do what it is they love to do, unencumbered and with the support of just a few people saying "Do your thing." I got text messages from friends on vacation at the beach, refreshing their souls and spirits in the breezes of salty water vapors, in spite of what the evening news says about the devastation washing up on our vacation getaways.

I saw myself Saturday, saw that I need more practice delegating responsibilities, more practice at taking care of what's more important to me at the present. More practice of taking care of me. But luckily, I have help to remind me to do that when I allow my desire to be everything and do everything for others gets in the way of what I should do for myself. I love these people. Tonight I'm grateful for the people who care for me.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Day 2:Crash Course in Finance- Simple Pleasures

Wednesday, June 02, 2010, 7:26 pm
Day 2 of a 21 day course in Corporate Finance:

I consider myself very special when today I parked in the business lot at UAB, with about 15 minutes to spare before class, just turning on the radio and my current favorite song is just beginning, today its “Window Seat” by Erykah Badu.

I roll down my windows, let the breezy cool air flow through my vehicle as I stare at the ominous clouds that indicate heavy rain is just around the corner.

I just spent the last hour playing around with my financial calculator learning how to punch in the right numbers to get future and present values to money and I’m feeling pretty confident about my grasp on those problems, at least the easy ones.

I thoroughly enjoyed the Waffle House atmosphere for studying and I’m glad I forewent the Surin West crowd in favor of a waffle, scrambled eggs, hash browns, and hot tea for my dinner. The booth provided just enough space for me to stretch out with my class lecture notes, my book, my calculator, and with only about 4 other people in the small restaurant that shares an adjacent wall with a hotel, it was quiet enough that I could really concentrate with just enough white noise to make it cozy and not an uncomfortable silence. This waffle house is kind of nestled on the edge of the uab campus, and on any given night about 2 am it would be packed with hungry clubbers looking for a cheap midnight meal. But today, on a Wednesday night, only regulars come, a church member stopping by to say hello to the cook on their way to bible study.

Now off to class...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Helping Mend Lives

I'm sure you all watched the news and saw the catastrophe of the earthquake in Haiti last evening. After seeing such devastation, my own heart strings are tugged, especially since my loved on has family there. I am hopeful in this; the Creator knew and knows how to mend broken lives even in the midst of catastrophe, He is an ever present in time of need.

Maybe you too were moved with compassion and may be wondering what can you do to help?

I know two immediate ways that will take less than 5 minutes to complete:

1. PRAY. Please pray for strength, peace, wisdom, resources, and restoration to the Haitian people.

2. GIVE: Ask all your friends to text the word "yele" to the number 501501. You can text up to 6 times using this method. Each time you do, it donates $5 to Wyclef Jean's Charity, Yele Haiti.

To give to the charity more directly, please visit http://www.yele.org/ and click on Donate Now and donate that way.

Thank you in advance for consideration and support in this time of great need. May the bread you cast upon the water today return to you after many days when you are in need. (Ecclesiastes 11:1).

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Best In Me

Tonight while reviewing calculus functions I had a Celebration of Gospel playing on my television for some background noise. It celebrated its tenth anniversay and Steve Harvey has hosted every year. In a surprise addition to the show, BET paid honor and tribute to Steve Harvey for being a wonderful committed host for the last ten years both in song and in word. In musical tribute to Steve, Donny McClurkin encouraged him and sang "We fall down" as Steve, unaware of the tribute, sat humbly with his wife and fought tears. After Donny McClurkin came Marvin Sapp, singing a song entitled "God Saw the Best in Me", which Steve Harvery, already wiping heavy tears falling down his face, buried his face in his hand and cried.

As I watched, my memory took to a few months ago when Steve Harvey, in the inspirational portion of his morning show, spilled his heart about the Celebration of Gospel awards show, how he was considering not hosting it, thought he wouldn't be asked again. But how he received a call from BET and it humbled him because he didn't feel like the most worthy person to serve as host and yet they asked him back. He experienced God agape love in this experience.

It also reminded me of a conversation with several people about Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man, a New York Times best seller. The people criticized his audacity to write a book about relationships when he's had two previous marriages end in divorce. They questioned his credibility in giving advice altogether. And tonight, as I watched him cry, I thanked God that people are not our judge. I thanked God that our past decisions do not determine how God feels about us, that He stills sees the best in us despite what our past may indicate. I asked God to not allow me to make judgements about peoples' value to the kingdom based on their lives. I thanked God that just like God showed his unconditional love for Steve in this gesture of honoring him for his commitment to BET, He too shows his unconditional love towards me each day for me.

Sitting next to him, with her arm wrapped around his shoulders, was his beautiful wife, watching him with loving eyes. And I thought, who's to say that just becuase a man/woman has had some things to not work out in their lives, that they still don't deserve loving companions, friends, and family surrounding them for the remainder of their lives? If God took that stance, my goodness, we would all be unloved. But it blessed me to see her there, with him, supporting him, even in his vulnerability, proud and standing by her man. I thought of my own father and the love and support he's found in an awesome woman he's been married to for 10 or so years and how despite some of the hardship he's faced in his lifetime, how God still saw fit to give him His Best in a mate that loves him and has its back. We want it for ourselves; we should want it for others.

So tonight, I'm humbled by the mercy of God's love to allow us to live our life with heads raised and hearts light becuase there is nothing that can separate us from HIS love. Let me say again: there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God. Nothing. And tonight I, and Steve Harvey, were reminded of that fact. And I am grateful.

Here's to new beginnings,
Crystal Goodman



"Now is the accepted time, not tomorrow, not some more convenient season. It is today that our best work can be done and not some future day or future year. It is today that we fit ourselves for the greater usefulness of tomorrow. Today is the seed time, now are the hours of work, and tomorrow comes the harvest and the playtime. "- W.E.B. Du Bois

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Happy New Year!

To all those who have followed me over the last year, here's a special New Year's thank you for sticking with me. You'll see me here once a week for 2010. There are some big things coming up this year for me and I hope you'll stick around to hear about them.

Much success to you and your endeavors this year. May God continue to shine through you, allowing the light emitted to help you make your way along the path he has destined.

Much love, growth, and dream fulfillment,

Crys