Uncle Henry: No trouble at all...

I just got off the phone with my uncle Henry, my mothers brother. He’s here in VA visiting with my grandmother. He lives in Germany and usually visits Pi (my grandma's nickname) once a year.

He’s in his 50’s and has recently been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. During our conversation he forgot my name, asked me about family members repeatedly, and at one point you could tell he was a little confused. During our conversation, however hey said several things that stick out to me and it is a reminder to me that when you boil life down, it’s the smallest things that mean the most to you and others.

Keep in touch

He appreciates me keeping in touch even though he lives in Germany. I still send him an occasional card to him for birthdays and just because. And in his slowly failing memory, that’s what he most about remembers about me. I'm humbled.

You can’t be everything to everybody; so don't stress yourself about it. He said I should be in no rush to do anything. “Live," he said, but take it step by step, day by day. “Enjoy your life, it’s all you have.”

Family is family...they belong to you...

...to which I replied “… and sometimes you wish they were not…” to which he replied, “no, I’m glad I belong to this family, and the rest, the other stuff, you just gotta take day by day. But I never have wished for another family.”

It made me ashamed that I even joked about wishing some family members were not connected to me. I will try my hardest not to entertain the thought that “getting rid” of someone else will alleviate my own life’s frustrations. We were born to bear one another.

Proverbs 17:17
"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."

Trouble comes for everyone...

I'm thinking about him, and the troubled days ahead. I think I understand he may be saying to me between the lines: If I can jokingly push off a family member because they've made trouble in their lives or are causing trouble for me, I could justify somehow leaving that person behind, wishing away their presence. And in terms of Uncle Henry, how cruel would it be if my casual thoughts caused me to leave him behind because he was that "trouble."

He mentioned that he was ready to go back home and that he just didn't want to be no trouble for anyone, and I know what he is saying. For the first time, before hanging up, we exchanged the words "I love you." And in that instance, hearing his voice, the intonation, and the words felt like a hug across the miles. And for that, I am truly grateful.

This afternoon, I share with you the same message and give you the words of my uncle who is in his own right still a young man battling with the prospect of forgetting the ones he loves most to a condition that steals memories and identities is the subtlest of ways.

And when I'm asked to step in to stand next to my loved ones in time of trouble or happiness, I'll use the phrase that I've heard so many times in movies from times past.... "No, boss, that's no trouble. No trouble at all... I'll be on..."

15 days til 29: Memoirs

As families go, I have the best. I couldn't have chosen better parents, better siblings, better aunts and uncles, better grandparents. God knew what he was doing when he placed me in this family.

Today I was reminded of why I am who I am right now. I had a long conversation with my Aunt in Arkansas this morning that grounded me. After asking how the family was doing, she shared with me that she was writing her memoirs, which had me all excited and wanting to know what she would say.

She shared with me many stories about growing up in Little Plymouth, Virginia, a small hamlet southeast of Richmond and was reminscent of the values she learned while in that community. She talked about her departure from her 1st college, after being there one year, and her move to Arkansas without telling her parents, them waiting at home for her to come home from a semester at college. She talked about giving birth alone and how she went to sleep and woke up in the dark, thinking she had died and gone to heaven. When she opened her eyes in the pitch dark, she said "Well God, I'm here." Then upon hearing someone else in the room added, "and I guess I'm not alone." And how she really had no idea that she in fact HAD NOT died from the intense pain of childbirth, but had made it alive.

She recounted the friends she made when she first got to Arkansas, mostly elderly ladies who took her under their wings and guided her through her first child (and the remaining 5 to come), her marriage, life in general and how invaluable they'd become to her. Several of them have passed away and she expressed how deeply she missed them.

She then went into stories about her toe that had been broken 7 years ago that protrudes, giving kids something to point at and tug on their mother's dresses about, the mood swings she's experiencing going through menopause and how walking for miles helps her relieve all the "extra energy" she has to expend by way of snappy remarks and anger, but how her broken toe sometimes tries to get in the way of her stress relieving activity.

After about 45 minutes of non-stop laughter, tears pouring down my face, I had to get back to some semblance of a normal work day (although I continued working through our conversation). While hanging up the phone, I couldn't help but be excited about the day those memoirs are in my hand and I'm enjoying her stories on the front porch, drinking some sweet tea, on a cool summer evening.

One Phone Call to Freedom

This morning, as I type this message, tears continually well in my eyes and cascade down the profile of my face. My emotions are raging for a number of reasons today, but tears didn’t fall until I received a call from a relative. She was calling just to say that she loved me and missed me, totally opposite the message I anticipated receiving once I spoke to her today. Several years back, there were two incidences that drove a wedge between us. There were two incidents, one incident in 2000 and another in 2005, both of which left a bad taste in our mouths concerning one another. Since that time, we had seldom had any conversation between the two of us and even at family events, have steered clear of one another as much as we could. The break in our relationship has caused me quite a bit of anguish over the years considering how close we were before these things took place. I apologized, she apologized, but there was never really a mending of the hearts to reconcile us. We were both content to just go along with our lives and leave the past behind.

I have prayed about this before, but had stopped praying about 3 years ago. I figured it was best to leave well enough alone (as the old folks say) and let it be. She often comes to mind, however, in the caverns of my own mind and heart when songs that she liked are heard. What she might say or how she might react come to mind as I’m going through my days. And just last week, I laughed to myself thinking about this dance she used to do. I miss her tremendously in my life. She notices bull from 1500 miles away and she’s always been so pleasant to be around, funny, insightful, opinionated, and intelligent. She’s a ride or die woman, and her absence in my life a hard pill to swallow but I had resolved to live without her presence. From time to time however, I was saddened that she would never be apart of my “future” and I wished it didn’t have to be that way.

Saturday we had a huge family event and she was there. We were cordial and busy, no real time to talk (or more accurately, no reason to talk even if we had time). Sunday evening, I missed her calling twice and received a text from her stating she wanted to talk with me about something. I saw the missed calls and text this morning when I woke up and immediately my stomach was in knots anticipating what she might say. I anticipated that I had done something, said something to upset her at the family gathering and was bracing myself for a harsh, critical conversation when she called this morning. She called at 10:37 am, and I answered the phone with an upbeat voice, hoping to at least start in with happy thoughts and intentions.

Thank God that sometimes things don’t go the way we expect them too. She was calling to say she loved me and missed me and was sorry we didn’t have a chance to talk this weekend. She asked how I was and what I was up to and wanted to catch up on what’s been going on. And that when my tears started. And that’s when my gratitude filled me to the brim, so much so it had to flood my eye lids and spill over onto my cheeks and down to puddle on my chin like rain gathering at the tip of a leaf. A huge wave of relief engulfed my body as I begin to pour about what had been going on with me and how much I missed her and what I had been thinking. She said she just wanted us to be good to one another and I didn’t have to be afraid to call her and she wouldn’t be afraid to call me. I agreed and promised not to be a stranger. After flipping my phone shut, I began my internal thank you’s to the Creator. He had worked on our hearts all those years while we were apart. He had matured us and caused us to go through some things and live through circumstances that prepared our hearts to receive one another again. WOW! I never imagined this would happen.

If you have loved ones that you have estranged relationships with, I encourage you to do two things: pray and pick up the phone. You see, I had abandoned that prayer years ago, thinking the answer to our reconciliation was no. I had moved on. Don’t abandon your prayer. Secondly, as much as it may grate against your pride and faith, pick up the phone and call that loved one. No matter who is at fault, pray that your vision is focused on resolution as opposed to winning. Truths may be revealed, responsibility accepted, hurts confessed, hate uncovered. It all needs to come to the surface so a sure foundation can be laid to rebuild again. It is possible. Today I stand a living witness.

The Creator is always working on the hearts of man and one phone call could be the swinging demolition ball to break down the barriers between you and a loved one. Do it afraid.

Freedom can come in phones calls. Answer the phone.


Reconciliation

Sometimes
When your not looking
Things fall into place
From work you didn’t do
And effort you didn’t exert
After you’ve long released it to the hands of the creator
After no more thought given to resolution
After walking out of the valley
Leaving those dry bones behind
Moving on narrow paths toward the mountain top
Without them near
But somewhere
Along the journey
You remember them
And mourn for brief moments
Their absence along the way
But continue on
Towards your destination
But heaven
With its eyes seeing all
See’s hearts longings
And sometimes
When your not looking
Restores that which was taken
In the rigors of life’s mistakes
And brings it around
Sweet as honeydew melon
On hot summer days
How wonderful to experience
The restoration of peace and love
of fellowship and communion
between two who’s love
had waxed cold
introducing you again
to the future
and to tears
that fall on new seeds
planted in the soil of forgiveness
rooted in love
ready to grow again

11:02 AM 3/2/09