18 days to 29: Brims

Brims. Those old school hats that your grandpa and uncles would wear with their Sunday clothes (or sometimes just everyday) that gave them a distinct look about them. Looking at pictures from the past you'll see them often and perhaps you never really paid much attention to them because they were common then. But you saw the eyes of the man wearing it, proud, dignified, strong (he probably didn't wear a smile on his face in the picture. Men back then didn't smile much.) But the power they have to transfer a regular man's attire from average to extraordinary is exponential (ever asked a pimp why he's wearing a brim? Powerful piece of the outfit!)

I have a friend whose husband's grandfather used to wear them. In recent months he's made mention of picking up the tradition of a man he loved. Thinking about donning the "brim" himself, in honor of him. Being the observant and giving wife that she is, she began looking for one to give him as a surprise.

The hat came in today. I passed her in the hall on the way to pick it up, smile on her face, excitement in her eyes, excitement in her voice as she whispered, "his hat is here." And when she returned, I got a quick email with the subject line reading "Hey...... come see!"

I walked in as she showcased the black fedora complete with it's subtle black and white with brown highlighted feather. Elegant, beautiful, classy, and quality. It has a silver silk inner lining. I can understand why a man would want to wear a hat like that when he was feeling especially sharp. It's a statement. If you didn't know, you should. I am someone.

Outside of the hat, my observation led me to the joy that my friend about purchasing a gift that she knows her husbands going to love. She's proud of herself for being on point, patting herself on the back for doing something for someone she loves. I'm glad to be witness to what love does for others and how much joy someone can take in blessing someone else.

Now that, my friends is what I call Christ-like. Doesn't our creator admonish us to love one another as we love ourselves? Our very nature is love and to show that to others is human nature and natural. Don't let this world fool you into thinking that to hate is the norm. It is not.

Can we all be so engaged, so attentive, to the needs of our loved ones that we are in fact "more blessed in giving than receiving"?

I believe we are... if we just let it flow and listen to that voice inside that tells you to do those nice things for others. Give yourself to giving... see where that road takes you...

My friend is in the land of fulfillment, joy, and peace. I'm sure your road of giving will lead you there too.

Ride it out... be a giver...

25 days to 29: Remember The Good Times

Cab ride to Manhattan from Queens: $17.26
Dinner for two at a swank Manhattan restaurant: $96.37
Ice Cream for two at Chickalicious Desert Bar: $18.54
Visiting places that bring back to your husband’s Alzheimer’s memory the good times: Priceless


As I rode into work Friday morning, I tuned into NPR radio and during Morning Edition I listened to an interesting story about a couple who had been married for years and were being interviewed. The husband and wife had northern accents and during their conversation, I enjoyed their witty back-and-forth banter. They discussed the husband having alzeihmers and how things have changed since he has been dealing with it.

He commented on how beautiful his wife was, how he had watched her body change over the years, but enjoyed her wrinkles nonetheless. “She’s my buddy, my pal, my best friend,” he said. “You know, as you get older, you need different things from your mate.” Then out of nowhere he adds “She’s never been that great of a cook, but she sure knows how to make good reservations,” both of them begin laughing.

His comment about her sub par cooking made me to burst into laughter, in the solitude of my vehicle. It warms me up that this man and woman, at the hilt of the mid 1900’s, when part of a woman’s primary role was to cook, found a way around it, and made it work for them. As I exited my vehicle and headed into the building, I made a mental note that I would share this delightful information with someone else in hopes that they would laugh at his honest and candid expression.

As the day continued, I had a chance to take lunch to my sweetie, and then went to meet up with a gentleman who will be speaking at our church for youth Sunday the last Sunday of this month. His organization Stop the Violence focuses on increasing the peace on the streets of the city. We had a very open conversation about the state of our youth, how we grew up, and ways we could continue to reach out to them. Miss B's is a great place for soul food (if you didn't know. It's on 4th Avenue and 16th Street!)

I received a phone call not long after leaving lunch and was pleasantly surprised to be able to go to Casino Royale, a fundraiser for UAB Healthy Happy Kids Program. Talk about a delight. I got to wear a cute dress, spend someone else’s money, and meet some great people! If you missed it, SHAME ON YOU! You would have had a ball! I met some AWESOME people doing some great work in their careers to help others live better lives. My hats off to my friend Katrina Marshall and her team for pulling off an awesome fundraiser!

One Phone Call to Freedom

This morning, as I type this message, tears continually well in my eyes and cascade down the profile of my face. My emotions are raging for a number of reasons today, but tears didn’t fall until I received a call from a relative. She was calling just to say that she loved me and missed me, totally opposite the message I anticipated receiving once I spoke to her today. Several years back, there were two incidences that drove a wedge between us. There were two incidents, one incident in 2000 and another in 2005, both of which left a bad taste in our mouths concerning one another. Since that time, we had seldom had any conversation between the two of us and even at family events, have steered clear of one another as much as we could. The break in our relationship has caused me quite a bit of anguish over the years considering how close we were before these things took place. I apologized, she apologized, but there was never really a mending of the hearts to reconcile us. We were both content to just go along with our lives and leave the past behind.

I have prayed about this before, but had stopped praying about 3 years ago. I figured it was best to leave well enough alone (as the old folks say) and let it be. She often comes to mind, however, in the caverns of my own mind and heart when songs that she liked are heard. What she might say or how she might react come to mind as I’m going through my days. And just last week, I laughed to myself thinking about this dance she used to do. I miss her tremendously in my life. She notices bull from 1500 miles away and she’s always been so pleasant to be around, funny, insightful, opinionated, and intelligent. She’s a ride or die woman, and her absence in my life a hard pill to swallow but I had resolved to live without her presence. From time to time however, I was saddened that she would never be apart of my “future” and I wished it didn’t have to be that way.

Saturday we had a huge family event and she was there. We were cordial and busy, no real time to talk (or more accurately, no reason to talk even if we had time). Sunday evening, I missed her calling twice and received a text from her stating she wanted to talk with me about something. I saw the missed calls and text this morning when I woke up and immediately my stomach was in knots anticipating what she might say. I anticipated that I had done something, said something to upset her at the family gathering and was bracing myself for a harsh, critical conversation when she called this morning. She called at 10:37 am, and I answered the phone with an upbeat voice, hoping to at least start in with happy thoughts and intentions.

Thank God that sometimes things don’t go the way we expect them too. She was calling to say she loved me and missed me and was sorry we didn’t have a chance to talk this weekend. She asked how I was and what I was up to and wanted to catch up on what’s been going on. And that when my tears started. And that’s when my gratitude filled me to the brim, so much so it had to flood my eye lids and spill over onto my cheeks and down to puddle on my chin like rain gathering at the tip of a leaf. A huge wave of relief engulfed my body as I begin to pour about what had been going on with me and how much I missed her and what I had been thinking. She said she just wanted us to be good to one another and I didn’t have to be afraid to call her and she wouldn’t be afraid to call me. I agreed and promised not to be a stranger. After flipping my phone shut, I began my internal thank you’s to the Creator. He had worked on our hearts all those years while we were apart. He had matured us and caused us to go through some things and live through circumstances that prepared our hearts to receive one another again. WOW! I never imagined this would happen.

If you have loved ones that you have estranged relationships with, I encourage you to do two things: pray and pick up the phone. You see, I had abandoned that prayer years ago, thinking the answer to our reconciliation was no. I had moved on. Don’t abandon your prayer. Secondly, as much as it may grate against your pride and faith, pick up the phone and call that loved one. No matter who is at fault, pray that your vision is focused on resolution as opposed to winning. Truths may be revealed, responsibility accepted, hurts confessed, hate uncovered. It all needs to come to the surface so a sure foundation can be laid to rebuild again. It is possible. Today I stand a living witness.

The Creator is always working on the hearts of man and one phone call could be the swinging demolition ball to break down the barriers between you and a loved one. Do it afraid.

Freedom can come in phones calls. Answer the phone.


Reconciliation

Sometimes
When your not looking
Things fall into place
From work you didn’t do
And effort you didn’t exert
After you’ve long released it to the hands of the creator
After no more thought given to resolution
After walking out of the valley
Leaving those dry bones behind
Moving on narrow paths toward the mountain top
Without them near
But somewhere
Along the journey
You remember them
And mourn for brief moments
Their absence along the way
But continue on
Towards your destination
But heaven
With its eyes seeing all
See’s hearts longings
And sometimes
When your not looking
Restores that which was taken
In the rigors of life’s mistakes
And brings it around
Sweet as honeydew melon
On hot summer days
How wonderful to experience
The restoration of peace and love
of fellowship and communion
between two who’s love
had waxed cold
introducing you again
to the future
and to tears
that fall on new seeds
planted in the soil of forgiveness
rooted in love
ready to grow again

11:02 AM 3/2/09

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

...Scrambled soft with a little milk and cheese never hurt nobody.

Funny how, no matter how you like your eggs, sunny side up, fried, scrambled, boiled, when it come down to it, we all had the same thing for breakfast. Just different expressions of culinary talents and consumer preference when it comes to preparing them.

Substitute eggs with love. Lets look at how we like our love? When it boils down to it, its all God (God is love, remember?). So what's your preference for how your receive it? What's acceptable? How do you perceive when someone is showing you "some love"?
In my life, I've come to prefer several forms of love.

Growing up, love was shown to me through affection, discipline, boundaries, and sharing. My mother and father created a "Swiss Family Robinson" lifestyle of sorts. We had family night. We had dates with our parents. We had a daily routine, complete with chores, devotion, play time, and homework time. My parents were consistent with discipline, always explaining why we were getting spanked, punished, having something taken away. One parent was very honest, yet gracious and kind. The other parent was very honest, nurturing, and loving, yet blunt. They always hugged us once discipline time was over, reassuring us we were disciplined because we were loved. And though it never helped my sore behind, or my hurt feelings, when it was all said and done, I knew that I was loved. So my preference for love, based on my upbringing, is an outlined, clear and verbally communicated, actions reinforced words, taken a face value, consistent expression. Life and the expression of love outside my home was viewed through glasses that all "outside" should emulate the love I saw in my home. Love looked like my parents. Love for me was scrambled eggs.

During the course of time, love changed in its form in my home. It went from outlined to kind of a loose parameter. Though it still entailed the verbal communication, reinforced actions, life at face value, it no longer SEEMED consistent. Circumstances deemed changes to the foundation that had come to be love for me. That foundation, for me, became shaky. My parents' love was no longer scrambled eggs. Now their love was sometimes sunny side up, sometimes boiled, sometimes poached. Being used to scrambled, I choose not to "buy it" and started looking for scrambled. I didn't receive the other forms, making me feel somewhat love deprived. (and yes, I wrote a poem about it! LOL) But it was still love.

Fast forward through 14 years of encounters with many people, many experiences, many places and many forms of love. I love scrambled eggs, and though I might have ventured out and tried a teeny tiny bit of the other types, I didn't risk enough to eat an entire helping of them to fully appreciate the quality of each expression.

Until recently. With each revelation I'm learning that its alright to let go of what I know, have experience with, am comfortable with, in order to grab onto something different. The revelations expose how I recognize love, receive love, and even how I show love.
It reminds me of a poem I wrote about a musician who had a lover and his expression of love to her was writing and singer love ballads to her at concerts. But she, being accustomed to and preferring to receive gifts and flowers, never broadened her range of receiving so she could catch all the love he was sending her way in the songs. He, on the other hand, never broadened his range of giving so he could send a message of love in a medium she could accept. On the flip side, she loved music so she would show up for all the concerts and enjoy the music, so he felt loved because she supported His love. He was confused that she didn’t feel loved and he did. There was no communication and compromise to be sure they were sending and accepting the love that they so desperately needed from one another. She was dejected and he was defeated feeling he wasn't the one for her.

So can we consider the possibility that we might be missing out on love, not because of it's scarcity or lack of loving people around us, but because we prefer scrambled eggs and won't accept sunny side up, thereby passing up what we want and need because it's not in the preferred form. What's the risk in trying? You scared you might like it? And so what if you don't. You tried. All I'm challenging you to do is to be open enough to try accepting those sunny side up eggs and smile about it.

There's a whole different experience of God and love you can walk in when you're willing to receive other healthy forms of them. And once we learn how to receive it, both from God and from man, we won't ever be love starved again. Take love out of the proverbial skillet and stick it in the boiler, the microwave, and the oven, and see for yourself that it is still love, just not scrambled.

In her song "Learning: outro" on her latest cd, India.Arie sings "The highest expression of love to give without expecting, the highest expression of love is to accept without exception….I have so much to learn." I'm learning to like sunny side up and boiled ain't so bad. In fact, they are pretty good. I'm taking the exclusiveness from scrambled and am even ordering the sunny side up.

I'm learning the art of experimentation. All in the name of accepting and giving love. And for me it begins with food. Are you willing to venture out? Just a thought.