30 and counting...

"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.(Charlie Brown)"
- Charles Schulz

This morning I awakened at the sound of a Billboard Top 20 R&B Song playing on Hot107.7. I often wondered what it would be like to be a third watch radio disc jockey, you know the kind that get to use their pillow voices to announce the name of the artist and song they're about to play or just played. Would I even want to be up that late working? Who would be listening with the majority of the world fast asleep, well into their second dream in REM? I sleepily reached over to the singing black box and gently press the rectangle grey button in the middle. Silence. I listen for any movement downstairs, any indication of disturbing the slumber of my loved ones but nothing but silence greeted me.

I murmured prayers of thanksgiving for a new day, another birthday, keeping me safe through the night. Ever since my friend slipped into eternity in her sleep I am more cognizant of just how blessed I am to have opened my eyes again.

Charlie Brown had it right about the answers not being in the back. I often pray for the answers up front, before I even begin, in hopes of avoiding being wrong. Lately I've considered if life is one big test that we're studying to pass only they never end. After you pass one, there's another, and another, and still another. At 30, I've passed my fair share and failed a few too. Some days I sure wish I had the answer key.

Today is my 30th birthday. As I drove home from class tonight, I was disappointed, crying, humiliated. I didn't make my usual call during my commute home, instead speaking aloud my thoughts to the Creator in silence, vacillating between questioning and encouraging, despair and hope, tears and laughter. Closer to home my love phoned me. Considering the late hour I'm sure he was waiting to hear news of the days events. All I can say is "baby you the best... baby you the best..."

When I entered my home, my sister was standing in the hallway, laughing uncontrollably at herself as she pressed her goggles deep into her eye sockets, causing her eyes to bulge. The gesture tickled her. She followed me upstairs informing me of the days events and that there was a gift for me. When she saw my tears and heard the story, she immediately wrapped her slender arms around me, reassuring me that I did my best, and that it was going to be OK. My tears multiplied as the love a 12 year old engulfed my heart and gave my spirit a place to release. She is my sunshine. My mother, although entertaining a conversation on the phone, hugged me and rubbed my back. The power of the human touch is indescribable.

I'm 30. I have no complaints about my life thus far. At one point in my life, I thought I had justification for being mad at the world, being aloof, being numb. Thankfully the Creator could reach the core of me, restoring, and reminding my soul of its need to be involved with Creation. The goods far outweigh the bad. My life has been overshadowed with favor, grace, mercy, love, and protection. I simply could not ask for a better life.

I stand today a beautiful connected being: inside and out. So although I don't have all the answers, sitting here winding down my 30th birthday, and perhaps sometimes the messages I hear sound like Charlie Brown's mom (waah waah waah), I can rest in the fact that I am accepted and loved just as I am, just where I am. And in the words of Amy Grant...“I can look at the future with anticipation. And it's comforting to know that someday, as Christians, we'll be able to look back and have a little more clarity on why certain things in life happened.”

When in doubt, find something to laugh at. Tonight, it has made all the difference. And today, today was filled with messages of love from friends, family, and strangers. All reminders of the Creator's love for me. To all my lovies, thank you for your well wishes on facebook, voicemail, LinkedIn and text message. You all enrich my life. I'm a wealthy woman because of you.

Jeremiah 29:11